Supporting a Loved One with Depression: A Letter for Partners, Friends, & Family

supporting a loved one with depression
what to do when a loved one is depressed

There are so many emotions involved when a loved one is depressed. I have learned this from experience: Being in a relationship with me is a little challenging, whether romantically or platonically. Honestly, I now know that I’m pretty awesome in general, but I am self-aware enough to realize that living with someone full-time who has mental health issues is so NOT easy. Perhaps you have similar mental health issues and wish you had a way to help them to be a stronger support system. Maybe you have wondered what they need to know when supporting a loved one with depression, anxiety, or dealing with any type of mental health issue.

If so, I thought I would share some words that might help those around you as you deal with your illness. You can even print it out and give it to your significant other.

Supporting a loved one with depression

Dear Loved One:

Being a parent/spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend/friend to someone who deals with mental health issues such as the ones I have (major depressive disorder, general anxiety, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and ADHD) is never dull, but it isn’t always fun. Being a part of my life means taking on a different type of responsibility that would not usually come with a fully healthy person. You need to know how much I appreciate you, and I acknowledge that I have no idea what our life together is like from your perspective.

I need you to know that I love you.

Unfortunately, it seems like I am also dealing with a strong wave of depression, feeling extremely anxious on top of that, and my brain keeps hyper-focusing on reliving past traumatic events. Basically, I am going through a rough time right now. Due to the nature of our relationship, you may feel that you are part of the problem. Let me promise you that is definitely not true, but you do have a significant effect on how I will deal with my illness. I would like to share some things you should know so we can fight together to help me improve.

Love Is Not A Cure-All

Love doesn’t cure all things. It is very powerful, but it is not a magic wand. You may wish that just because we have this amazing, incredible relationship, I should be happy all the time. But no, love cannot conquer an actual physical brain disorder. If I had high blood pressure or diabetes, our love couldn’t cure me of those illnesses either.

Your Self-Care Is Equally Important

There are times when you have had to take on the caretaker role in addition to all the amazing things you already do. As such, your priority is to take care of yourself first. If you are exhausted, overly stressed, or aren’t taking care of your own basic needs, then you won’t be able to help take care of mine. Be strong in this, and I’ll thank you later. Just a reminder, they tell you on an airplane to put on your oxygen mask before attempting to assist anyone else, including your child or partner.

Supporting a loved one with depression is not easy. There is a reason for this, so please ensure you take time to care for yourself.

Being Supportive May Not Be What You Think

Please, don’t do the things that you think I need. Ask me, and I will tell you what is needed in the best I can.

To be completely honest, I don’t give a damn if there are dishes in the sink or if there is laundry that needs to be put away.

Yes, it is nice that you do that, but I would much rather you not roll your eyes at me when I cry. I get that it is exasperating for you. Can you just imagine what it is like for me? Who wants to live like this? My needs might be different each time, so check in with me.

The one thing that you can always do to help prevent or at least make these times more manageable is to make sure that I don’t forget to take my medications. Even with that pill reminder box, I will still forget. I can forget that the pill box even exists, or my brain will stubbornly refuse to process what I’m supposed to do with it.

Never Tell Me To Just ‘Get Over It’

Do NOT, under any circumstances — even as a joke — tell me to just get over it. This is a complicated illness brought on by faulty brain chemistry and years of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. Just like a diabetic cannot use sheer willpower to regulate their blood sugar level, I cannot magically make the serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine chemicals in my brain to go where they need to go in the correct amounts. I want to get better a million times more than even you want me to. Trust that I will never give up on healing and learning all the coping tools I can to allow for a better quality of life for you and for me.

Each Day Is Different

Don’t ever forget that each day may be different. Yesterday, I may have gotten hyperfocused and cleaned/organized for hours. It may take me another two weeks or a month before I have the ability to do that again. It is so incredibly awesome when that happens, though, right? On those good days, I hope you take part and join me in living the best life possible on those days.

Alone Time Helps Me Heal

If I say I need alone time, please, please, please — do not take it personally. Most of what I need to do to get better is internal. If I don’t get enough time to withdraw into myself and figure things out, it will take me much longer to cycle back out of the depressive episode again (climb out of that big black hole/find my way out of the storm/turn the wolf into a puppy again). I am not withdrawing from you, the person; I am doing the internal processing work that it takes to recover and be my best self again. Sometimes, supporting a loved one with depression means giving them space.

If we have kids, help me pick up the slack with them. Trying to get them out of the house would be healthy when I cannot do that for them, especially when they are young.

I Don’t Know How Long This Will Last

Do not ask me how long it will take before I am better again. Unfortunately, I do not have a freaking clue. For the record, I ask myself the same question every waking moment. Sometimes, it will pass in a matter of hours or days. Finding my way through it in that amount of time is wonderful and a cause for celebration. There are also *waves* that keep me down for months at a time, only able to come up for air briefly. It can feel like my brain is drowning in negative emotions, and it is a horrible way to live.

For clarity’s sake, this is a gentle reminder that I do not want to have this illness, and I would do anything to heal quicker if possible.

Create Your Own Support System

If you need to vent how hard it is, go ahead. It will be okay. Venting is different from anger, though. You do need your own support system and ways to deal with those negative feelings. Don’t bury them. You may even want a personal therapist for a while to help you deal with your mixed emotions. I am self-aware enough to know that there are days that you resent me. I also get how the sense of helplessness can manifest as anger. You are worthy of support, and it should be a part of your self-care.

Every Depressive Episode Can Be Different

Each episode of depression is usually different from the last. Perhaps you remember that one time, a couple of years ago, it was a little helpful to veg on the couch and watch a bunch of romantic comedies, so I laughed a lot. Other times, you have seen me get hyper-focused on a computer game or into reading or pouring myself into a new hobby. In my darkest days, I may need to sit in my room, alone, in the dark, rocking back and forth, crying.

This time, I might want to try all of these things again or try something completely new. Please make gentle suggestions, but if I let you know it isn’t helping, listen to me and respect my needs. Most importantly, if I don’t use your idea or if it doesn’t work for me, it is not a rejection of you in any way, shape, or form.

It’s Okay To Feel Helpless

You are going to feel helpless. At times, supporting a loved one with depression can even feel hopeless. You love me, and it will drive you crazy that you can’t fix things for me. It’s horrible to feel lost, dread, and maybe a loss of hope, and I can’t take that away from you. But I can tell you that even though you might think you aren’t doing very much, if you are following the above advice, you are doing more than you can imagine for me. And you reading this has been a priceless gift. Thank you.

Sometimes I wish someone would realize that I'm Fine usually means that I am not. Here are some tips for supporting a loved one with depression

Love from me

What Else Can You Do?

If you are the one who is dealing with mental health issues, you need to know that you are dealing with an invisible illness and there are people in your life who may not understand that. Please feel free to print this out and give it to your partner, family member, and loved ones. Or take the bits that pertain to your life and rewrite them to fit better. This is the fifth incarnation of this, and I originally wrote *Supporting a Loved One with Depression: A Letter for Partners, Friends, & Family* (originally “When Your Loved One is Depressed”) probably almost 25 years ago now (I have no concept of time).

Perhaps you are the one supporting a loved one with depression. Please know that this is for you, and I wrote it on their behalf.

Please consider sharing this post with friends who may need it or on social media so others may find it. My hope is that it helps as many people as possible.

If the relationship that you are in is making your mental health issues worse, please contact The Hotline or call 800-787-7233.

If your mental health has gone to a super dark place and you are scared that you might harm yourself, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or call 800-273-8255.

Supporting a Loved One with Depression: A Printable letter for your family and loved ones

If you would like to download a PDF version to print at home, you can get it HERE.

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