Since I was 9 years old, I have lived inside of anxiety and fear. Being afraid all of the time can lead to agoraphobia and struggles with self-care. At the ripe old age of 56, I continue to find it challenging to go beyond fear and find ways to live my life to the fullest. As they say today, my anxiety level stays too high to live my best life.
Living With Generalized Anxiety Disorder
In May 2013, I came across the above image on Facebook, which I call Be Afraid But Live Anyway, and made that phrase the original title of this post.
It reminded me of an emergency session I had with a psych doc almost two decades ago now. It was after an incident that showed how much anxiety can skew your perceptions of people and the world at large. I had become very agoraphobic (not my first experience nor my last) because of what should have been an innocent trip to the grocery store.
Grocery Shopping with Social Anxiety
I remember my oldest son was walking alongside me while I had my boy/girl twins sitting in the cart. I was asking the twins not to stand up and the eldest to stop touching everything when a man approached us and started addressing my children. He said something like, “You need to listen to your mother. Very bad things happen to kids when they don’t listen. Especially little girls.”. Then he looked me in the eye and said, “I know your mother knows what I mean. Don’t you? —
You know the bad things that can happen to little girls?”
Well, I didn’t take that in the way it was probably intended. He was probably harmless, maybe trying to be helpful to an overwhelmed mom, and just used the wrong wording. I couldn’t see that, though, in that moment. Instead, it was like he put a gun to my head. Stupidly, my brain allowed those words to bring every nightmare I ever had about my children to life. Simultaneously, his words made all the things that had been done to me play on repeat in my mind. all at the same time. And I felt every scrap of the same emotions I had felt as a little girl and as a teenager: the fear, the pain, the humiliation — every tiny bit of it — all in the space of a few seconds.
I pushed my son behind me, stood in front of the cart blocking my babies, and then just froze. He wandered off (I don’t know if he said anything else), but it probably took me a good five or more minutes to actually be able to take another step. I pretty much terrified my kids because I couldn’t hear them asking me why we weren’t moving along. I stayed silent with tears streaming down my face, feeling like an idiotic, frightened child. Once I got enough of a hold on myself, we checked out immediately, and I sat in the car for a bit until I could drive.
I was so mad at myself and utterly ashamed. Fine, if I couldn’t just mentally shrug the guy off, why couldn’t I get angry instead? Why couldn’t I be the type of girl who could say “Screw Off!” and not give the incident another thought? I was also beyond annoyed because one of my thoughts was, “I am fat now, so these things shouldn’t happen to me anymore.” Instead, I went home and stayed there for quite a long time.
How Anxiety Leads to Agoraphobia
So, back to the psychiatrist visit… too much time had passed since that grocery store event, and the agoraphobia wasn’t lifting. I had been living inside of a full-blown panic attack since that incident, and I knew it was starting to affect my children. I did not know how to *be afraid, but live anyway*. My need to do what was best for my children meant dropping them off with my parents or having my mom come over (I don’t remember which) and forcing myself to leave the house again — finally. I also needed to know why I couldn’t fix myself. The fear of not getting better for their sake was greater than the fear of going to see the doctor.
Unfortunately, the best he had to offer was…
“If every time you went outside you found it was raining, then you would eventually learn to not leave the house without an umbrella. If you feel that every time you leave the house something bad will happen, then you will eventually stop leaving.”
And he left it there.
What I had to figure out on my own is what’s said in the above graphic …
Be Afraid But Live Anyway.
It took years and a lot of work, but I learned to do just that, sometimes
The Hidden Cost: Anxiety’s Impact on Self-Care
I have been known to joke about the ADHD tax I pay for forgetting that I have already purchased something or when I have to pay a late fee. For some reason, those shortcomings are much more acceptable not only to myself but also to society. When someone is honest about the struggle with self-care when it comes to dealing with anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, ADHD (or all four, like me), society does not deem that to be something that can be empathized with or can be looked upon with compassion.
What do I mean by struggling with self-care? It means that I understand that I unconsciously probably got heavier on purpose — in part as a shield, and that form of self-protection means that I don’t exercise, something I know for a fact would help my depression immensely. It means I struggle even to shower some days for a myriad of reasons. Even on good days, showers are extremely tough as they allow for too much time for my ADHD brain to go off in fifty million directions, with many of them including ways to be unkind to myself or even trigger my C-PTSD all on my own. So, just thinking about getting in revs up my anxiety levels, and on bad days, I’ve been known to need a Klonopin just to get in it and turn on the water.
Coping with Self-Care Struggles
Figuring out how to cope with your self-care struggles will take a lot of trial and error. In my experience, whatever tools that I do have at my mental disposal, do not always work. One thing I do is come online and write posts like this. I push past the absolute terror that engulfs me so I can be open and vulnerable and take risks by talking about my mental health issues. I have been told that others find knowing they are not alone to be helpful. I find it beneficial to know that I have helped others. I swear that helping others is very often the best medicine for anxiety, agoraphobia, and depression.
I am not afraid of taking that half-dose of Klonopin to jump into the shower or leave the house while my hair is still wet and I am not wearing makeup. That is a beautiful part of being in your 50s — not caring about what others think of you. I am just afraid of you as a person. It makes absolutely no sense. I know this.
On that note, I have just mentioned something super important: Not everyone experiences anxiety in the same way, and not everyone’s anxiety will lead to bouts of agoraphobia, or even struggles with self-care. Mine does.
According to the National Institute for Mental Health (2024), around 19% of adults in the US have experienced some form of anxiety during the last twelve months, and over 30% of adults will have at least one episode in their lifetime. There are also several types of anxiety, such as:
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Social Anxiety
- Panic Disorder
- Agoraphobia
- PTSD and C-PTSD
- OCD
The above all have their ways of manifesting differently in each individual. For me, my official diagnosis regarding anxiety includes C-PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, and Social Anxiety. Outside of the C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), my anxiety leads to paralyzing fear and a roar in my head louder than all of my ADHD racing thoughts combined. If I have to go shopping, I’ll be the one at the cashier with sweat dripping down my face like I’ve just run a marathon or like I am about to have a heart attack. Even writing about it, my heart is racing. And, of course, sometimes I cannot get myself to go. I’ll get ready (taking forever), make it to the door, and then my body stops. It is not a conscious thought, but it feels like my own brain will kill me if I try to leave.
How do I get online and do this? A lot of it is paying homage to the saying, “Fake the smile until you feel it.” I talk a lot online about loving yourself, being brave, and finding self-confidence. Some days, it’s real, and I’m sharing, and other days, I am posting to convince myself. All with the goal of being okay with the fear and living my life anyway.
Self-Care Tools for Anxiety
I have been living with fear for basically my entire life. I wanted to share actual physical items that have personally helped me. If the item is linked to an Amazon page, that will be an affiliate link, meaning at no extra cost to you, I will make a small commission if you choose to purchase it, and I will be extremely grateful for that. BUT I will never recommend an item I do not believe in.
I have written about this book before, but if you haven’t seen that post, I highly recommend reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie. Sometimes, during a panic attack, I do have moments of clarity. I seize these moments to ask myself, “Is this true?” regarding my irrational thoughts. This is the best mental health tip I have ever discovered. Sometimes, with depression and anxiety, your brain will lie to you. Using this mind trick makes it a little easier to push those thoughts away and get to the absolute truth.
I love the Push Pop Bubble toys. They remind me of I was younger and would take every scrap of bubble wrap I could find, but these are so much better. When I am having a particularly tough day, and the agoraphobia has me sitting on the couch, I’ll grab that to fidget with and it helps to calm the nerves. Sometimes, I’ll use a positive affirmation with each pop if I have my wits about me. I’ve linked to the Tommike green one because it is my favorite color; I like the sound it makes (enough to know that you are doing it but not enough to bother people), and they are durable. Also, they offer a three-pack, which is a great deal. That way, you can place them in different places and/or bring one to work and keep it in your drawer.
The Besure Wearable Blanket is like giving yourself a hug when you need one the most. I believe this is an excellent gift for your loved ones with anxiety. I’ve given it several times, and every single person loves it and confirmed that they find it especially helpful on tough days. It is available in many colors and three different sizes. One of my favorite reasons for choosing this brand is that the blankets are truly warm and cuddly, and they have pockets! There is a version that I personally prefer that has a zipper closure, which you can see HERE, but for gifts, I give the normal one.
Last but definitely not least, is something else I have given as gifts: Silk Road Organic Aromatherapy Essential Oil Roll-On. I’ve given the lavender one to friends who have trouble sleeping, the Breathe version to my son with asthma, and I use Clary Sage for myself during panic attacks. I use the roll-on frequently to put on my wrists and on my temples. Scents have always had a very strong impact on me and they are truly an important part of my self-care. I had a boss who couldn’t tolerate perfume, which is when I found this. She liked it so much that I actually bought her one for herself. It was quite helpful to finally find something I could use during the stressful work days.
I hope you find what I have shared here to be helpful. I want to invite you to share what you use to get through your difficult days.
Fast Forward: As mentioned above, I originally wrote this in 2013, and it is now 2024. I still have days when I cannot leave the house, but those moments no longer turn into months or weeks. My time as a mental health advocate during the early 2000s ended a few months after writing this post ironically. Later that year, my marriage started to crumble, and I became unable to write any longer (that story is for another post, though.) My fear of people in general, but specifically men, was made worse by what has happened in the years since. At the same time, I have learned better coping skills and have adapted to living within my limits. There is no happy, magical, complete healing to share, but I can tell you that learning self-acceptance and self-love has made for a more peaceful life. And maybe that is okay enough for now.
